Open-heart Surgery

February 12th, three days after I’d given birth to my son, it’s open-heart surgery day. Kevin and I were up at the crack of dawn to head back to the hospital. We left before the girls even woke up, we picked up Shipley’s for a quick breakfast. We were both allowed to be there for an hour before surgery, during surgery and an hour after. We were planning to get there right at 8:00 am to see Jack before his surgery. Ok, time to get real with you… all these words I’m typing, the events laid out as they happened; it’s hard for me to remember, like a very distant memory of a story someone once told me. I know the story, but I can’t seem to find the emotion behind it. I steeled myself for this day and that intensely strong metal is still molded around those parts of my memory. My trauma is still very raw, it’s still something I deal with every day. But back to surgery day… when we arrived at his room he was already being checked on and prepped by all the different doctors. He was asleep, laying quietly and seemingly comfortable. He was strong and he was ready. I rubbed his head, and I held his tiny hand. I prayed over him. I promised him I would be with him the whole way through and that he was going to be ok. I kissed his head. 8:54 am, they came to take Jack for surgery. We kissed him goodbye, then they wheeled him out, and with him went the breath in my lungs and the beat in my heart. I stood frozen, not even the tears threatening could make their way out. The nurse said, “you two take a minute, then head to the 20th floor to check in with the waiting area”. Kevin wrapped me up in a tight hug; I thawed just enough to look at him. He took my hand in his and took a step forward; my feet followed his. We went to the 20th floor and checked in with the desk in the waiting area. The attendant at the desk set us up with the communication APP to receive updates from the operating room. She showed us the waiting area, the bathrooms, and the pumping room for me.

I needed to pump already, so I did that. It was a nice private room with a comfy chair. I took my labeled milk to the refrigerator in the waiting room. There were several people in there, some occupying the only reclining, comfortable chairs in there. Two loud televisions, a small table for eating and basic kitchen needs. But no Kevin. I walked back out and wandered around looking for him. Just on the other side of the elevators was a big set of windows with a few chairs set looking out. There he was. He couldn’t go in the waiting room, it made him fill with anxiety. He needed to walk, to pace. We went down to the 3rd floor and walked around the skywalk. I was tired, I needed to sit, and I needed water. We went back up to the 20th floor and sat by the windows. My feet were swelling, turning into big, stiff bricks.

We sat and stared at our phones, looking but not looking at anything. Then we looked out the window, we picked out different buildings and used google maps to try and figure out what they were.

I needed to pump again, then I’m back in 20 minutes. Kevin was antsy again. Back to the 3rd floor for lunch and another lap around the skywalk. My body ached. I was three days postpartum and walking laps around a massive hospital complex. We are really enjoying the updates from the operating room; it’s making time pass a little easier. While we were sitting eating lunch, we got the call for our first in person update so we headed back up to the waiting area. Dr. Imamura’s assistant came to update us. There wasn’t much, just that Jack was on bypass and everything had gone smoothly so far. And that Dr. Imamura was checking things out to get a plan of action.

I pump again, this time Kevin sits with me. Then it’s back to the skywalk for another lap.

Oh my gosh they’re done! That was pretty fast, that’s good right?! And the call for an in-person update. We rush to the 20th floor. The assistant comes in again with news that the surgery is complete, and Jack is off bypass. She gives brief details so that Dr. Imamura can explain things more in depth. But we know he was able to repair or replace the bad valve, he did not have to go into a Norwood procedure. He was also able to repair the aortic arch. An echo post-surgery indicated improved left ventricle function already. Light floods my field of vision, air fills my lungs, I feel the shock to my heart. My baby was safely through his first open heart surgery and it was a huge success! Kevin and I hugged tightly. And we cried, and we laughed, and we kissed. Jack was going to be ok; I think he’s going to stay biventricular. We ran to grab a bite to eat, but that got cut short.

More anxious waiting, but this time with so much less fear. Then we spoke with Dr. Imamura. He told us about the surgery, how he was able to repair the existing valve and felt very good about that. He was very encouraged about the ventricle function based on what he had seen post-op. He believed it would get better and better and the current (improved) function should be the worst it’s ever going to be. The implication being that it should fully recover. I asked if there’s anything he could think of that could have possibly gone better. He couldn’t think of one thing, and he said from his standpoint, right now, it was perfect. Wow. The surgeon said the surgery went perfect. That was so unbelievable. All the ways things could have gone differently, all the things that could have gone wrong. One thing I know with absolute certainty is that God was in that operating room. Just as he was in our operating room in Boston, and in my delivery room, and walking by my side holding my hand, holding me up all day every day. Just as he picked me up and carried me through this day. He spoke in my heart, “my beloved daughter, I know your future and I know Jack’s future. I have seen all your pains and all your joys. I have set a path for you that is good and perfect and right. Trust Me, I will always hold you, I love you. Do not ever fear.”

And finally, we got to go see our tiny warrior, my hero, my Superman. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces. I was helpless. I listened to our Father, I held onto His words. Now was no time for fear, now was time to be strong for Jack, to be strong for my girls, my husband, and our parents. Now was the time to be faithful and grateful for every blessing and answered prayer we had received.